1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
