"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
