When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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