I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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