I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
