so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When are your genitals available?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
