1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
