i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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