I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
