Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
