You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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