You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
