if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
