everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am one with the molecules
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
