I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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