Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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