i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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