I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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