Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Panties = found
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
