this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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