New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
