All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
