Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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