Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
