The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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