And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
