I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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