I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
