dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
