meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
