We're like a lot better than the average bears
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
