I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
