Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
