Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
