At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
