We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
