i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Randomize
