I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm jealous of your bromance
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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