How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
