i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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