around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
