hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
