you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
