WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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