I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
