Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
