So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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