I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this just has baby written all over it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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