I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You need a sexual gate keeper
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Someone signed my nipple.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
