mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
