the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
