You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
