the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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